Summer lovin and back to school!!... oh wait, thats right, I graduated and I'm unemployed.

Its been over three months since my last post... epic #fail on my part.

All the better for you!! I can recap summer and life since my nose job at the end of June.

This is me after my nose surgery. I made my mom drive the Jag and put me in the backseat so it looked like I had a driver. I was on so many pain killers, the first two days post-op are kind of fuzzy... I must say- looking fabulous for just waking up after a two hour surgery. Love it.
I'll spare you the bloody details. But can we talk about my chins?... lets not.

A week after surgery, I drove back to Ithaca to be begin performing at The Hangar Regional Theatre for the rest of the summer. For the next two months I literally had no free time... I slept, woke up, drank coffee, rehearsed for 10 to 12 hours, maybe ate something, and then went back to sleep and did it all over again for two months. It was absolutely amazing and I had the time of my life. I met friends I will have forever and I got to perform all summer. One of the shows being the Rocky Horror Show- cross that one off the musical bucket list. We rehearsed Rocky for two weeks, and the show ran for a little over three weeks. Every night after the show we had a dance party on stage for 30 minutes with the audience... nothing like dancing for another half an hour after you just danced a two hour show.

Here's a little pic of "the floor show" at the end: Fab.

In addition to preforming in Rocky Horror we performed in a musical based off of the best-selling children's book: Goodnight Moon. For those who know this story, I played the red balloon and the Moon. There is one documented picture of this production and it will stay this way... I was literally a red balloon. Here is a pic of bunny, mouse, and balloon gazing at the moon (I was only the moon in the last scene... there is no picture evidence of the moon, thank god, but I was covered in glitter and wearing silver shiny genie pants):

Enough with the pictures.
So let me re-cap some of the things that happened this summer.

#1 I went to Busch Gardens in Virginia to see my friend Megan perform in Germany. We literally started drinking at noon and went until midnight.

#2 On the fourth of July I watched Game of Thrones for eight episodes straight with only two bathroom breaks and a booze refill.

#3 Had no social life for two entire months whilst at the theatre.

#4 I did not get to enjoy any of the July or August summer sun- I was in a theatre all day. I don't think I have ever been as pale as I was come Labor Day... I'm usually black... so disappointed in myself. #FAIL.

#5 Had a summer romance- the definition of Summer Lovin' from Grease.

#6 I started the INSANITY workout- and it is literally the best thing ever. You don't have to drag your ass to the gym (especially when you are exhausted after working all day). You put the dvd in, do an amazing 40 minute workout 6 days a week for 60 days, you actually see results, and it is so great for your body. Enough marketing.

#7 I got signed with a modeling agency... I literally was shocked when I got the phone call. seriously?

#8 The day of the earthquake- had an anxiety attack during a rehearsal in the theatre;  I look up to see all the lights swinging above me. I screamed and ran out leaving everyone behind me.

#9 I was called back for another season of the Real World (3rd time).

#10 still have NOT contacted the asshole whose number I deleted (reference to the blog before this one).  10 points for Gryffindor. What an ASS.

#11 Sheldon says hello to everyone... If you haven't met him yet, hopefully you will soon.

#12 I created an okcupid profile- listen, judge all you want. I do not have time to sit around bars in Maryland hoping to meet meet a great guy thats going to sweep me off my feet. Firstly, northern Maryland is conservative, so all the men that are gay are nasty or actually married men with children; it is so true- a friend's father left after over 20 years of marriage and ten children. Secondly, the bars are trashy. Thirdly, a quote from Sex and the City best expresses my feelings:

"I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted! WHERE THE HELL IS HE?"
-Charlotte York


As much as I loved working in the city that I went to college in for four years, and seeing some of my friends and the underclassmen all summer... I absolutely hated being in Ithaca when school started, and hated being there during main-stage audition week for the theatre department.
I was not in denial about graduating by any means. Yet, it was not until one night after a Rocky show, when Celeste and Gracie (current Ithaca College Theatre majors- love and miss you both yah FOPs) were running back to the dressing rooms to change and drive up to school for auditions that is hit me...

I'm not going back to school on Wednesday.

I'm a college graduate.

I'm unemployed when this show closes in one week.

... It fucking sucks. I hate the real world... and I hate the show too, they obviously have not cast me yet, and it has truly gone downhill over "the last five years" as a result (I had to, I couldn't resist myself).
Anyway, I no longer have dental insurance... car insurance is due in December. SCREW IT ALL. Prostitution is legal right?... no, it's totally illegal. What about becoming an escort?! Thats the classy prostitute, and sometimes you don't even have to sleep with them. Done and done.




More life updates to come.

Strugglin but still here, queer, laughing and fabulous.

And as I promised- A closing thought/ quote from "The Bible:"


"You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all. the. time.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.


Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks.  I get it, I get it, I get it.  But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel crappy or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.


There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that  you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend."


Amen to that.


Live. Laugh. YOD.

He's just not that into you.. I know, it blows (and not the good kind).

Only two weeks since the last post, look at me go!! You go Glen Coco.

So last weekend I went to New York City, to visit one of my best friends who recently moved up there and  to multi-task also go on an audition while I was up there... again, look at me go.

Before getting to the big apple, which in my opinion should be called the big shit- not only because NYC is the shit, but also because it smells like shit. I digress.
I made a pit stop at my friend Joanna's graduation party in New Jersey... I say friend because it is easier then saying my best friends, best friend from college, who I know and met through because of her, so now we know each other and are friends... see it's just easier to say we're friends.

The party was great, amazing Filipino food!! I've never been in such a close proximity with so many Filipino people in my life. Anyway, after several shots, drinks, and a bowl... I was well on my way to a great night. We ended up sleeping at Paige's house though, which was such an honor for me.

You know how you always hear your best friends from high school talking about all of their best friends from college, and then sometimes you actually have the great fortune of meeting these friends from college... judging them, and then deciding you're still better then they are and you'll be closer with that friend then they'll ever be. Well, not only have I had the amazing opportunity of meeting Allison's friends from Wake Forest more then once, I have also now been to three of her friends houses from college, and non of them live in our home state of Maryland. How did I manage that you might ask? I don't even fucking know myself.

So, as you can tell, I felt like such a guest celebrity actually being in these peoples houses, and exploring their lives/ worlds. Not only did I feel great, but they must have been in heaven having a person of my stature in their presence. Im joking!!... not really. But what is funny with this group: Allison, Frank, Paige, and myself, was that our first gathering together as the Fantastic Four was two years prior when we spent a weekend in Long Island at Frank's house/ in New York City and I dragged them all to two Broadway shows. It's like I have super powers or something. So now we have made a tradition that we will bump it up from two years and get together at least once a year for a wasted evening.

At Paige's house I discover several amazing things in my life:

#1 the new show on HBO: Game of Thrones. It. Is. Literally. Amazing. and they actually show the characters having sex right in front of you... like everything. The boobs, vagina, penis and balls, doggy style sex... not gonna lie I was squirming in my seat, I still can't tell if I was uncomfortable or getting turned on... maybe combination of both. You must watch. It truly is fascinating, and it is about the Medieval Times- such an underrated time period in history. I learned more in that 45 minutes about that time period then I did in seventeen years of private catholic education... like how much they loved to fuck. guys, girls, gay, straight, cheating on wives, going to brothels and they sure as hell didn't have condoms. We should really bring these values back to our society today... but with condoms... well maybe not with all these STD's. What the hell some are curable right?!

#2 How much I love bacon.

#3 How great a glazed donut is.

#4 Never name a rat looking dog, or any dog for that matter Cokey (sp? who cares).

#5 The most important part of this blog entry: As I could not sleep that night, I picked up a book I had since long forgotten about and began reading. The Bible: also known as He's just not that into you.
This book literally changed my life.. yet again. Especially rereading it after four years of college or as I call it: a plethora of one night stands, pointless hookups, dating, and a long term relationship and the problem with that fucked up mess is in the title, it was too long and should have never happened.

Entering the real world as an official adult (God thats a joke), The Bible reopened my eyes to guys and how just damn stupid, not to mention selfish they are. The bullshit excuses they tell you, the lies to cover their own lame asses, just any and everything.
And we sit there going crazy, and asking ourselves: Am I upset for no reason? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Am I reading into all of this too much?

We meet a guy, we talk, we flirt, we heavily flirt, we may or may not hookup with them, we may or may not have sex, we may or may not use a condom, and we may or may not have a pregnancy and/or STD scare. Now, in a sane persons mind why would a guy go through all that trouble if he just wanted to get laid and have no strings attached? Why would he take your number after the party or bar, whether you hook up or not, and then never call you? Why would he even waste his time, and well actually your time, if he was not interested?

WHY SAY SOMETHING YOU DONT MEAN?
well that is because they are a douche bag and do not deserve your time.

To bring it back to me, I met a guy two summers ago (the same weekend the fantastic four had our NYC trip, and also another college friend I met through Allison). At the time I was in a pointless a long term relationship, that went too long for its own good, but if nothing else I grew immensely from it, learned from my mistakes, know what I want in a guy now, and know a giant assface when I see one but once again I digress. Long story short, this guy and I kept in touch that summer. We both went back to school in the fall, he got into a relationship, we didnt know each other all that well... but it was one of those weird, we've never hookedup, we aren't really friends, but we're attracted to each other and the chemistry is just weird and unexplainable.
Fast forward to this summer.
We are now both single. I am aging extremely well and getting more attractive throughout the years.
I was in New York City last weekend where this guy is currently living and has been living, and he knows I'm there for the weekend. We texted each other, he texted Allison, we've all been fucking texting. Through all the drunken and flirty texting recently and over the last two years, this moment has been building. The night we are both single and drunkenly together in New York City.
Now seeing as I drove up to New York City from Baltimore, you would think he could make the effort from there to just meet us some where in New York City... That wouldn't be asking to much, especially with this guy you've been blatantly flirty with, I mean it was past the ambiguous passive flirty phase... and that dyke didn't even meet up with us. He just didn't have the time ON A WEEKEND to come out and just get dinner, or even faster then dinner, one drink. I mean for someone who talks such a big game, he apparently is all talk and no game. And that was the true moment of acceptance and realization for me.

He's just not that into you.

If a guy truly likes you, and wants to see you. He will. No excuses. No if ands or buts. He will see you. Even if he is so damn busy at work, has so much to do after work that week. He will always find the time to see you if he not only likes you but actually wants to see you. period. It was just coincidence that I was rereading the Bible until 3:30am that same night before.
If you meet a guy and he loses your number, and he actually likes you and wants to see you again, he will find your cell number from another source, he will try to find you on facebook to get your number again, he will google where you work- find the website, look in the directory, and call you at the office IF he really wants to see you again. NO EXCUSES. NO BULLSHIT.

he. will. contact. you.

So naturally I cannot be a hypocrite to my own Bible. Usually, in this situation I would send an extremely bitchy "fuck you" text. But with my rediscovery reading the Bible the night before, sneaking down into the kitchen at 2:30am for some cookies and juice (mind you i'm not in my own house, and have never met Paige's family before.. who the hell do I think I am?) solely because I was reading so fast and gasping so loudly at passages I completely agreed with, I went for a much healthier approach. I just deleted his number. And you know what? After seeing the message on my phone that said "Contact Deleted," I felt so great about myself.

Why would you want to waste your precious time and energy, especially in our 20's, on a guy who is just not that into you? More importantly why would you even want that guy in your life? Why would you want someone in your life, who doesn't completely want you in theirs? We deserve better then that.
Never make someone a priority, when you are only an option. We all deserve someone that is going to put us first, and make us feel so fulfilled and worthwhile, and nothing less. So why settle for less? Why would you even want to give that asshole guy any of your time, when he cant give you any of his?

Oh lord, enough hypothetical questions. I totally just embodied Carrie Bradshaw.

From here on out, at the end of every blog, I am going to put a quote from The Bible as a food for thought.

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust.  If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby.  And it's cold outside."

I am really looking forward to my next one night stand now.

Until next time,
- The new self empowered and always sexual me

Senior year- 2nd semester... or at least what I can remember

Okay, so listen... I know I haven't updated this in four months, but I also haven't hooked up with anyone in four months either. So we're even.

I have to say, I'm disappointed in myself for not updating my blog more, I was gathering research all semester for my senior thesis... and by gathering research for my senior thesis I mean blacking out as research for my blog. I mean come on. I have to live up to its name, and if nothing else at least I was blacking out for educational purposes.

Speaking of which, My friend Kim and I created a rule for the entire semester: "The can't say no rule."
If at any time a friend asks you to drink and/or smoke, with the exception of a performance weekend in a show or finals week, you simply cannot say no and further more must become inebriated. It is our last semester of college, we need to go big or go home.

Well... in the beginning of April I found myself in quite a conundrum. I was getting drunk extremely frequently (off the record), and began missing large chunks of my nights. So whilst walking through a business office on campus with my friend Vince, we stumbled upon a phone message book up for grabs, and naturally I grabbed it. Short story long, I would write messages in this "Phone message book" only while inebriated to remember what I was doing with night before/ who I was with. #1 You write to who the message is for, #2 who it is from, #3 the date/ time, #4 the message you are writing, #5 you sign it and label whether the message is urgent, if you need to see them or speak to them, for them to call you back etc.. I would also quote people and ridiculous things they said and/or things they were saying about other people, which if nothing else made me laugh hysterically the next morning when I was still laying in bed.

I'm proud to say the book of 400 messages is almost complete two months later. Sad some might think? I say it is a triumph.

In other news in the last five months:

- twitter has come into my life and fully taken over.
- I performed in a dance concert at Cornell University.
- I joined a modern dance company.
- my ex-boyfriend is an even bigger ass to me, which I never thought was possible (refer to past blogs to be caught up)
- I am moving to New York City in the fall (of 2011).
- My liver has filed for legal separation, we're on a brief hiatus from our relationship.
- I somehow managed to get all A's and B+'s... I still have no idea how the hell I pulled that off.
- I've really been contemplating becoming asexual... why not at the rate things are going in my sex life.
- I was not 100% sober for longer than a 36 hour period of time for four straight months.
- Bold statement, but Tangled might be my new favorite disney movie of all time. That's saying a lot.
- I'm currently watching "No Strings Attached" and I can't tell if tears are forming from my sad existence or if the air conditioner is blowing in my eyes. combo of both? possibly.
- I somehow always manage to blatantly mention illegal substances in head-shops and I always get yelled at. without fail.
- quit my job at chili's... i don't want my baby back baby back baby back ribs.
- newest favorite flavor of vodka- smirnoff: cranberry
- all of my friends and their mothers are on the weight watchers diet.
- Proud to say I watched all of seasons 1 through 6 of "Will and Grace." final two seasons to go.
- I've made code names for people so I can talk about them right in front of them and they'll never now. example: keebler elf.


I guess what still blows my mind, is that you date someone and you are with them for a long time (I'm not just talking about a few months), things do not work out, and you break up... but treating someone you claimed you "loved" and was the "love of your life" like a piece of amish horse shit being smushed by the cars that are flying by all the amish buggies on the side of the road anyway, is just completely unjustifiable to me.

Which only leads me to think, did I really love this person? or more importantly did they actually love me if it so easy for them to treat me this way now, and basically act as if we never dated, and ignore me for almost seven months but who is counting anyway?! RIGHT??

I guess my point is, if this person you thought you loved was just an ass for... well... forever. Then what does real love feel like? Does it exist? Does everyone find it? Why do all the terrible people in our lives meet someone and have these great relationships. Why do all the douche bag ex's find new people, but we don't? I'm gonna save myself twenty years unlike Charlotte York and just say "Where the hell is he? I'm exhausted already?"

Well, I'm probably never going to see you again, and I think it's safe to say you'll never talk to me again, so for the hell of this year *Que Music* "FUCK YOU" by Cee Lo Green
followed closely by "Since you've been gone" by Kelly Clarkson
and if I was going to go on a method acting route on this one: "Bust your windows" by Jasmine Sullivan thereafter.

Are there no decent guys out there?
Where is the sweet, attractive guy (preferably Bradley Cooper) to come and actually pursue you and not just want sex, but want to be with you? If a guy came home with me from a bar and just asked to spoon... I think I'd cry.


I think I've thrown enough ambiguous Carrie Bradshaw questions out into the universe for one night. I'm stressing myself out now.

live. laugh. drink.

I'm going to ruin you... and you know who you are

PS- I know it has been over a month since I blogged, but that is because my computer was stolen. We'll get to that story momentarily.

So after Thanksgiving break I was cast in a musical (review) "Songs for a New World," which is actually a pretty decent title for the show because it makes no fucking sense... so all the songs only make sense in a "new world." ... As beautiful as some of the songs and music are... combined together, as a whole... they make no fucking sense. I literally believe Jason Robert Brown wrote six songs that were suppose to be in a show together, and then had another twelve random songs he wrote, and one day while he was high, got too damn lazy to create two different shows with an actual plot and storyline and thought it would be a great idea to combine all the songs together. The result was then Songs for a New World.

Anyway, I digress... The show was fun and I'm glad I did it even though I sounded like a gremlin during the run because I was sick.

So two weeks before the semester ends, I go to school as usual on my Thursdays. I have class 9:25am to 1pm and then dance classes from 1:10 to 5:15pm. I got home from school that day, before rehearsal that night and as I walk into my room I could not find my computer... Well I laughed for a minute and thought I must have misplaces it because I was extremely stoned the night before. But then I realized no, I slept at home last night and used my laptop before class this morning to check the weather forecast for the day on weather.com (great site, very accurate- I highly recommend it).

And then I put on my ever so comfortable dance belt, changed into my dance clothes, grabbed my dance bag and ran out of the door... So naturally I began driving myself crazy trying to find my laptop and I start ripping my room apart.

Well my roommate Amber comes into my room in the middle of my hysteria and thinks I'm having a Rose's Turn. She helps me look and then after a good fifteen minutes, the lightbulb clicked on and we came to the conclusion that it was stolen... fuck my life.

The most upsetting thing about the whole situation is the fact that my extended version of the first Sex and the City movie was inside the laptop.. when I finally realized it, that is when the break down occurred.

My ex-boyfriend was in his room down the hall witnessing this breakdown and didn't even offer any help, or not even that but say "I'm so sorry... Is there anything I can do? Are you okay" You know what, even a "That really sucks" would have been better than nothing. But of course he just sat there, probably on fucking broadwayworld.com while I literally threw shit around my room like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted... ass.

Let me just say this. I had to rewrite a 20 page paper as a my final for my senior theater seminar, I had to rewrite an 8 page jazz final paper, I had to rewrite a 10 page religion final paper, and all my journals and research for all my papers were saved to my laptop. I had refind all this information, and rewrite all these papers. I would have been done my exams on Tuesday night of exam week, but because I had to rewrite all of this work, I did not finish until Saturday night, when exams ended Friday at 4pm...

This is not even mentioning the hundreds of pictures I had saved to that laptop, all the music and movies, or the at least 3 dozen naked pictures of myself saved to that laptop (lucky for you my head was not in any of them). 

Although at least once a week for the last month and a half I have typed my name into google just waiting for a website of my naked pictures to be created.

I will conclude with this final thought:

I know who stole my laptop, and I personally know who you are.

Be warned: I'm going to ruin your life. 

Once I get the last piece of evidence I need, your life will be over. You are nothing more then a Bullshit Lair and you are only full of Blatant Lies. I do not trust you, and I will make sure you never amount to anything.

I actually feel sorry for how sad and empty your life is, that you have to do these drastic things for attention. But I'll have the last laugh when you not only do not graduate but your parents find out they wasted one hundred and twenty thousand dollars on a college education for their child... Ha.

you. are. going. to. regret. the. day. you. fucked. with. me... well figuratively because lord knows I shut you down literally.

ps- you also owe me $1,500 dollars for the new laptop I bought, and $1500 for the one you stole. dyke.

Sooo that pretty much sums up first semester senior year... Merry Christmas (break) to all!!!!

stuffed with enough

Well, the last week has been rather eventful... shall we recap this thankful week?!

It started last Thursday, when the ex and I talked for the first time and had a blowout fight for about an hour... which ended in him kissing me. Dear god why is my life Blair Waldorf???? (because its amazing)

I dont even know whats going on... just as I was officially moving on and this shit happens. Especially after we had a four loko party at our house three weeks ago... well we won't go there. We can talk about that later haha, why keep harping on bad things in the past.
I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason.. its the only way I can fall asleep at night.

Well later that same night a bunch of my friends and I were going to the 3:30am showing of Harry Potter. Oh yes 3:30 not the 12am... Soo the deal was we all take naps, wake up at 1:30am and meet at one of my friends houses, smoke for an hour, leave at 2:30 for the movie theater to get good seats.
Well... I went over one of my girlfriends houses to nap before hand... and things ended up getting sexual,  just as they always do with this person. And needless to say no nap was taken. hahahaha what is my life?

Well Harry Potter was breath-taking... I was literally on the edge of my seat the entire time. That may or may not have been due to the fact that I actually thought I was in the movie as a character because I was so high. I "highly" recommend you try it hahaha oohhhh... anyway, the movie was amazing and it was well worth leaving regal cinemas at 6:05am.

Last weekend I went to New York City for the weekend... god there is nothing better then that dirty sewer air, especially when you blackout and wake up next to a six foot five black man in the morning. There is nothing more beautiful.

Thanksgiving break for the most part was a bust, but it was nice to be home with friends and family.
I only drank myself into oblivion on Thanksgiving night to avoid talking with relatives.
~~~~~~~~

Well we get back to school and my ex-boyfriend is ignoring me, yet again. I thought we cleared the air and moved on but no... no indeed we did not... well he did not. He kept ignoring me time after time after time... we would be in the kitchen making dinner and I would ask him how his day was... but he would blatantly ignore me. I might as well be talking to our house fish "Gina" - no not gee-na... g-eye-na.
So after another week of that bullshit I stopped caring... Well not stopped caring so much, as stopped trying to care.

Why in the hell would I want someone in my life... When they don't want to be apart of my life?